I was fascinated by it. The straight line of one part of the cord. The rounded, looping curve of the other half and how it wound around the straight side as if hugging it.

The harder I pulled on the looped half, the tighter it wound around the straight side. The stiffer the straight side seemed to become, as if it had been threaded around a bit of wire, when the looped side squeezed over it.

If I pulled the end of the looped side, it would slide up the straight side like a merry-go-round horse rides a pole. But then, all my work disappeared. The looped became straight and the straight seemed to taunt me. I resolved the issue by weaving a finger in at the top where the straight side bent into the looped side. Whenever I tugged at either end of the cord, the bend at the top remained.

My finger, however, grew purple and hurt, then tingled.

Tingly. I like that sensation.

Devoid of pain. Pleasant, actually.

Did you know that if you push past the pain, you can actually begin to tingle? It's a fascinating experiment. Each time I tried a new form of the exercise, the results were always the same. Sooner or later, the tinglies would come and on its heels, a sense of euphoria.

But then, after the tingly sensation and the euphoria, both would go away. There's nothing left. No pain. No tingles. No euphoria. No headiness. Nothing. It's like the complete absence of being.

I think I may have liked that better than everything else.

Some say that absence is death. Or the equivalent.

Possibly.

I would know about those kinds of things, wouldn't I?

I learned a new knot today.

I studied it closely. I tried out several ways to move it. Up. Down. To the very end when it would disappear. Tight against my finger. And then a stick. Finally, I fashioned a neck tie.

The tingles brought the euphoria.

After that, the blankness stared straight into my open eyes.

I think that's the last slipknot I'll ever tie.

-----

December 10, 2009

© 2009, Kathie Leung. All Rights Reserved.
No portion of this may be copied, transmitted, printed, or otherwise disseminated in part or whole without the express written permission of the author. 

Sometimes things are better left unsaid. Goodbye.

Just got word that Sean has taken a turn for the worse.  Please spread the word and pray for them. Thanks.

Here's the update from the family:

Sean has taken a turn for the worse. They are starting him on a barbiturate-induced coma in an attempt to bring his ICP down. He had a good day... but it spiked this evening. PRAY, PRAY, PRAY, PRAY! And PRAY some more... this is in God's loving hands.

Sean had a good night. His ICP (brain pressure) stayed in the teens last night, an improvement from the twenties and thirties of yesterday.

We want to let everyone know how much all of your support and prayers mean to us. We honestly could not do this without all of our friends and family. You are holding us up when we can not stand on our own.

People keep asking what they can do for us. Pray pray pray. Ultimately this is in God's hands and only He can save our boy. So please pray with all your heart. I know that God is holding us. I feel His presence.

Again thank you for the love.

Thanks to everyone's outpouring of love, positive thoughts and prayers, Sean's condition seems to be improving and his family are in hopeful spirits.  It's crucial to keep them in our thoughts and prayers as they continue to watch his condition, so please do share the links and requests for help. A strong network is important for them and their well-being.

Blessings.

My To Be Read pile of books has reached absurd proportions.  Why, you might ask?  Mostly because I'm attempting to add one more with my name written on its spine.  Another is because I joined PaperBackSwap.com and have since acquired several new books (well, most appear to be new, a few have definitely been worn and well read, but they're all new to me) while shipping out a mad menagerie of titles I just won't visit again - or can easily be picked up at the local library.  While this entry surely isn't an advertisement for PBS, if you do check it out and decide to join, would you please be sure to let them know I referred you?  My referral url is: http://kathieblog.paperbackswap.com.

So what is currently in my TBR pile? 

Starting with library books:

Inside the FBI by Andrew Tully

Quad
by Carrie Gordon Watson

Your Price $16.99
New - Hardcover

Your Price $1.95
Used - Mass Market

Your Price $6.00
Used - Hardcover

List Price $45.50
Your Price $40.95
New - Hardcover

And now for what I own: (very short list, I have many more but must move on, I have a book to get published, you know?)

Definitely Dead (Southern Vampire Mysteries)
by Charlaine Harris

Your Price $4.95
Used - Mass Market

List Price $7.99
Your Price $5.50
Used - Mass Market

List Price $7.99
Your Price $4.50
Used - Mass Market

List Price $7.99
Your Price $4.50
Used - Mass Market

Your Price $7.99
New - Mass Market

Your Price $4.50
Used - Mass Market

Your Price $3.50
Used - Mass Market

List Price $13.95
Your Price $8.00
Used - Trade Paper

Your Price $3.95
Used - Mass Market

Your Price $3.50
Used - Mass Market

List Price $6.95
Your Price $4.50
Used - Trade Paper

Your Price $9.95
Used - Hardcover

Your Price $2.95
Used - Mass Market

Your Price $3.98
Sale - Trade Paper

List Price $15.00
Your Price $8.00
Used - Trade Paper

Your Price $4.95
Used - Hardcover

Your Price $5.95
Used - Trade Paper

Your Price $9.95
Used - Hardcover

Your Price $24.99
New - Hardcover

Your Price $4.95
Used - Trade Paper

Your Price $3.95
Used - Mass Market

Your Price $4.95
Used - Hardcover

So what's on your pile?

It all happens so fast I can barely keep my thoughts together.  First, a woman a good ten years older than me - her face looks haggard, her clothes are rumpled as if she's been in them for several days and has slept in them, her hair is a wreck - comes out with the girl I'd seen earlier and assumed was with the woman I left inside with my daughter.

"Come on, Beth, we need to get home before Daddy gets back," the woman urges the young girl trapped in the teen's awkward body.

On their heels, the girl that checked me out dodges past the woman and "child" with another girl the same age, another employee.  I only catch a snatch of their conversation when my head begins spinning like a top.

"I know, wild, huh?"

"So this woman just slaps down a hundred and asks to have Yolanda put a tag on it for the difference?"

"Yep and asks her not to mention it to anyone."

The clerks don't see me and I'm left sitting here in shock.

Nothing makes sense anymore.  Why would that woman do this?  Why would she pay a hundred dollars on a jacket she's not even sure I would buy and for a complete stranger?  What was her motivation if that poor disabled girl I assumed was hers, clearly isn't?

Unsteadily I push myself off the bench.  It's time to find out what's gong on.  How could I be so naive to leave my daughter with a complete stranger?  The door opens again and out spills my daughter.  She clutches a small bag, her face wide and bright. I ignore her for a moment, straining to find the woman.  I need answers.  I need a better description to alert the police.

"Mom?  Mom?"  Courtney shakes my arm.  I blink at her.  "Did you hear me?"

"What, Courtney?"

"Look at this necklace and earring set.  Isn't it perfect?" She holds up the plastic case.

"You need to take it back," I say, barely looking as my hand clutches around her forearm. 

"Why?"  She struggles free.  "I bought this myself!"  Her voice goes up an octave.

"With money she gave you," I accuse.  I'm half out of my mind with rage.

"No, Mom, from the money I've been saving."

Her statement takes me by surprise.  The rage leaves my head and I'm left staring at her. 

"It's so sad," she says as she links her arm with mine and gently steers me to the parking lot.

"What is, Courtney?"

"That woman.  She had a daughter who would be sixteen today.  But her daughter died before she was even born."

My foot falters but Courtney steadies me as we continue on to the car.

"She said that she has more kids, but they're boys.  And although most of the time she's happy and content, there are days like today when she misses her daughter the most."

Tears roll down my face and it's not until one falls off my chin that I even realize I'm crying.  "So that's why," I say.

"Why what?"

"She bought that jacket for you."

"She did?"  Courtney's own step wobbles.

I nod, forcing a smile as I look to my baby girl through my tears.  I brush my fingers over her face. I look back hoping to see the woman.  She never does appear.

"Bittersweet," I say and unlock the door.

"No, Mom," my daughter says in a soft, gentle, older and wiser voice.  "I think we just gave her a bigger gift than she gave us."

As I stand looking at my daughter, she smiles.  "Happy sweet sixteen, baby girl."

The End

By Kathie Leung
(c) 2008 - 2009
All Rights Reserved

In Loving Memory of
Sarah Elizabeth  
              December 10, 1992
Sweet Sixteen   

Thinking back over the years I've participated, I have to say that the single-most thing a newbie should know is to never give up.  If you must find an excuse, do it so that you can keep on task, not so you can throw in the towel.  There is a great feeling of utter satisfaction that comes when you can log onto the NaNo site before the deadline, upload your manuscript and get that nice screen that says you're a winner.  Not to say that if you come 1 word or even 10K words shy of your goal you're not a winner.  But the euphoria from reaching that goal.  Well, wait and see.  It's pretty damn cool.

Other bits of advice?  Well, let's see what I have here in my goodie bag.

1.) Stock plenty of munchies.  Two types: mushy and crunchy.  The crunchy is satisfying, it helps get out the stress as you're trying to work your plot.  Mushy for anyone who lives with other humans (pets don't count unless -their- <-- see, that's an edit you would avoid going back to correct; they are neurotic) because it's enough to have to hear the taps on the keyboard at 1:00 a.m., the crunch of a can of Pringles will become homicidal. 

2.)  This isn't NaNoEditMo, that's in April.  Or March.  Go look it up.  This is Write Month!  Don't go back and start editing your piece or reworking a chapter.  Move on.  If you must, make a note on a sticky and slap it somewhere handy for when NaNoEditMo comes along. 

3.) Steer clear of the Internet.  It's a merciless time killer.  If you must go online, keep it to a bare minimum.  Get on, get off, move on.  Seriously, you're not going to get that much inspiration cruising for photos that match up to your protagonist's given name.  And yes, Mabel, that does come from a voice of experience.  Tommy Jenkins has many different faces.

4.) Go full steam at the beginning, go overboard and well beyond the minimum daily requirement of words completed.  It will help later when you start having to actually work your manuscript as the story weaves.

5.)  Post a big sign next to your work station (the NaNo site has some pretty cool ones you can download and print out in their fun area of the site) that declares it a quiet zone.  And for those of you with loved ones sharing your space, add a virtual hug and kiss so they know they're still loved. 

6.)  Today's frozen dinners are nutritionally sound.  Ignore the guilt your family attempts to pour on when you point them in the direction of the microwave and freezer.  However, please send a responsible older human to assist with meal preparations for anyone under the age of 7.  The Fire Department really doesn't care what your excuse is for them having to come to put out the fire. 

7.)  Which reminds me, make sure your smoke detectors have fresh batteries, you have fire extinguishers that have been recently recharged and you install timers on various pieces of equipment, televisions, lights, etc.  That way when you fall asleep at the keyboard, life can continue with some sense of normalcy and you don't run the risk of something burning (brain not included). 

8.)  Reading SPAM is a bonus.  You can use that in your novel when things are getting a little dull. 

9.)  Stream audio but have a few back-up CD's just in case.  I find that listening to the radio, at least in my neck of the woods, can often get distracting due to commercials, DJs and what not.  If I have a musical CD or station I'm tuned to on the 'net, it helps with the flow of my writing.  Of course there was that one year that was particularly disastrous because my streaming cut out on me.  I wound up listening to the local top 40 station and, well, it wasn't pretty. 

10.) More important that caffeine and munchies are two things: water and sleep.  Make sure you do get a fair amount of both.  It'll help keep the brain in good condition because believe me, a mushy brain means a mushy plot which means a snail's pace and not making your goal.

Good luck!  And if you are registered for NaNoWriMo and would like to add me as a buddy, log onto your account and navigate to my page by going here: http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/21182 and click on the "add as writing buddy" link under my picture on the left.  It might take me a bit to get to you, but I'll add you as well.  

PS:  If you are participating, won't you drop a note in the comment box and let me know?  Thanks! 

We call it creative financing.  Dad referred to it as robbing Peter to pay Paul.  I've heard of people writing out checks to creditors, then shuffling the checks with the bills and sending them off inevitably with the wrong bills mismatched with the checks just a momentary reprieve could be afforded in hopes the needed funds to cover the checks could be raised before everything is straightened out.  There are a few problems with this, though.  First, who writes checks anymore with the advent of online bill-pay?  Second, with the new accelerated payoff banks are doing, the time frame has been drastically reduced meaning that theory of their being enough time afforded to raise the required funds vanishes.  And thirdly, you can only do this so many times before someone catches on.  It goes hand-in-hand with that saying, you can fool some of the people all of the time...

My mother recently wrote in an email that she was asked to retire and wasn't scheduled to work until a month later so she wasn't sure how she was going to manage.  I've been worried sick ever since.  I can't step in, I can't help out and yet I have to do something.  Why should she have to be worried about these things when she's spent her entire adult life doing her part in earning an honest living, raising children who've done their part as well and has buried a man whom, despite his very perverse state of disability since grade school age, worked his entire life (he lived, miraculously, into his early 70's) to provide for his family?  Shouldn't she be allowed to live out the remainder of her life enjoying her golden years?  It's not like she lives lavishly.  Of course, I suppose if she moved out of her three-bedroom, three-bath house into a one-bed, one-bath apartment she could eek out a more "comfortable" existence, but in all honesty, would that be comfortable for her?  She wouldn't be able to have her grandchildren visit for the duration she would like (usually overnight for a few nights, at least) as there'd be no space, the privacy afforded when she decides to clean at 2 a.m. because she can't sleep as she's going through a stage of missing her husband of 50 years wouldn't exist because of her thin-walled neighbors, and the space she would need for her sewing and other craft projects wouldn't be sufficient and she'd have to give it up.  How wrong is that?  What kind of life would that be? 

She's a staunch Republican, no doubt she's already sent in her ballot with McCain checked off.  I shudder to think how much more difficult the world will be for all of us, herself included, if that comes to fruition.  I'm not saying I support Obama, though.  I have my own issues with that party ticket. 

So yeah, I'm looking for board members to complete the 501(c)(3) application.  I'm thinking I'll extend the compass of what we'd do as a non-profit organization to include Mom and folks like her.  Assisting the elderly, even though I still don't see her as qualifying as "elderly."  She trains regularly for her annual 3-day bicycling trek.  She takes swing dance classes and goes out dancing regularly (a love she squelched out of respect for her husband when he was alive).  She teaches sewing and turns out an extensible amount of the most amazing quilts I've ever seen.  She's a parish nurse. She's a Family Nurse Practioner (think doctor with a much better bedside manner), going back to school in her 50's to become licensed after earning her masters in nursing back when all three of us kids were in school.  But I can assure you, if she's going to have to cut things to the wire and scrape out a meager means to survival, she'll become the "elderly" I envision, the same that she once would sweetly care for in their dying days as she worked tenderly with them in hospice and convalescent care as a liaison. 

The line forms here for applications.... leave your comment and I'll be in touch. 

I originally thought the Twilight movie, based upon Stephenie Meyer's first novel in the Twilight saga, was due out on December 12th. As it turns out, I just learned it is actually due out, well, check the widget above for the exact date and time (11.21.08).

Alas, this coincides with my good friend Anne's opening night of the play she wrote, The Husband Whisperer. I think I'll be going to the movie in the afternoon and the play in the evening. I just can't see myself missing out on the opening of a saga that's become so engaging. I only hope that the movie is as good as the books have been. Heh, who am I kidding, are they ever?  Good thing I'll be able to go to the play that evening which promises to be a sure bet!

For an aspiring author (well, okay, I am published, but not nearly to the extent I desire), this is a welcoming experience.  I'm learning quite a bit by this new level of interaction with the "famous" even if it's peeking into a bit of their private lives and conversations from the opposite side of the monitor. 

Recently a great number of my new buddies met together to attend Bouchercon, the world mystery convention.  Everyone was buzzing.  Updates came fast and furious as the writers and attendees prepared for the weekend of festivities and soon, pictures popped up as everyone, both those there and those wishing they were there, started to interact.  Questions flew, witty repartee thus ensued and the party-like atmosphere that seemed to exist at the convention expanded into the furthest reaches of the planet. 

It was euphoric.

The most exciting thing that I saw transpire was how receptive authors were to their fans.  Where else can you put a bunch of famous people in with a group of adoring fans and have such an intimate, friendly chat transpiring? Do you think that happens with people like Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt or Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck?  I seriously doubt it. 

And now I'm determined.  I'm fired up and ready to go.  Because when I become famous, I want to be personable not snooty.  These are the kind of people I want to hang with, so bring it!